Valentine's day in is 2 weeks..
While initially my head was brimming with ideas on how to celebrate it.. now, i'm not too sure even if i want to..
My heart's a little of a mess right now.. and i'm not really able to pin-point a reason why.. maybe its because it's gonna be the valentine's for the last year of my teen.. or perhaps its because after 19 years i'm still a lonely soul on this planet.. maybe its the thought that everyone's becoming so lovely dovey around this time that i'm simply suffering from envy or pangs of jealousy.. or might it be that i'm still clueless how to go about a relationship after all this time?.. or bloody clueless what love really is..
Either ways.. i feel like a failure right now.. i just feel like locking myself somewhere.. maybe just staying it camp on that day even though i know its possible to go out..
*sigh* and know what's the best part? there's another part of me angry at myself, saying i'm getting depressed for no bloody gd reason..
...
i'd have considered myself a romantic person.. perhaps for someone i love, i'd have climbed 3 storeys to knock on her window.. serenade on a guitar till the neighbours fling pottery in my general direction.. get hauled away by the police for harassment and disturbance of the peace.. But that's the stuff of movies and tv serials.. and perhaps a little too dramatic to properly win the heart of a lady.. however, what i did wish to do for this year.. was to make a bento with my own hands, ask the girl i kinda like out of her house in the darkness of the night to join me for a candlelit picnic at the center of a basketball court near where we live.. then perhaps play with some sparklers while i quietly find a way to slip a note into an obvious spot amongst her possession.. sooner or later she's bound to notice it, and in it.. would be a sweet (even if somewhat cheesy) poem, asking her to be my valentines..
as wishful that i could tell this girl that she was special.. i'm not too sure i can.. 1, cuz she has mentioned before she set her sights on someone else.. 2, i know i'm alot of emotional baggage to begin with.. being in army has only made that worst.. She's studying still, and i don't want to be a burden.. and lastly 3, perhaps because i'm scared to love.. as hard as some of you might believe.. no, i've only ever had 1 gf. a somewhat sweet, but short-lived one.. and I've faced rejections more times than i'd like.. and each time, it just hurts a little more.. the next "i'm really sorry, but i like you just as a friend" , "give me a little more time" or the silent treatment, might just shatter my heart to a thousand pieces..
I've been wondering.. am i that bad a guy? or have i just been going after the wrong people? its nice to know there are people trying to be nice and comfort me during times i'm down, but sometimes i really wished that girls would be the ones giving guys flowers, just like in those romance animes.. i don't know about other people, but i keep every little thing that's been given to me.. and i kinda wish someone out there would keep my stuff like that too.. i rmb a time when i cut my fingers doing origami hearts for friends.. they probably don't know, but it took alot of effort to even make a proper one.. i just hope it lasted the day at least, before it becomes forgotten..
*sigh*.. sometimes, i just wished my life was a little more romantic.. or at least, dramatic..