Been feeling a little emo lately.. but i guess i've thus far recovered a bit.. also not sure why i felt that way.. there's no single event to blame, but perhaps it was a sum of a number of things that has happened recently.. =X
well.. picking up from last time.. i guess it still affects me that i'm quite emotionally attached to certain things.. about what happened last week.. shan't go into details, but it involves me sorta taking some msg-es seriously, when it was just that someone's fren who was playing a prank =.=
and guess what? i was right.. that she was quite a sad state too when she did the pranking.. so as much as i'd like to put blame on her.. i'd hold back the majority of it, even if it was just the benefit of doubt..
that's not the only problem..
there's this other girl whom i've been trying to help through her troubles.. a lot of time, care and concern went into this.. but till now i didn't mind, seeing it as it was the right thing for a fren to do..
But now i discover that she's been using an alias to converse with me.. in other words, i don't even know her background.. much less even a real name.. although it would have been saintly to adopt the "if its true, then i've done the right thing/if it isn't, i haven't lost anything" approach.. i'm finding it hard to help someone who doesn't even put a certain degree of trust in me.. i mean.. come on.. i'm putting my sincerity into helping someone.. secrets, thoughts, humour.. I've given them without a second thought that it could leave me vulnerable to criticism or ppl's judgement, to try to cheer her up and make her feel better.. but without that degree of trust i feel.. shortchanged.. i wish i had angel's blood through my veins, but i don't.. i'm only a human.. these are the ugly thoughts that surface from a darker part of me.. a part that i try hardest to keep control of..
*sigh*
is that small request asking for too much?
...
i rmb rong's once mentioning.. "We had to put trust in our friends before they became our friends".. but sometimes i feel i trust too easily.. getting myself emotionally involved with things that in the end ppl find is the stupid thing to do..
so maybe i am stupid.. by wishing in those times i'm down that a hero would come save me.. i know how it feels in those times, and i tried very hard to help anyone as best i can when they were feeling the same.. even if it means sacrificing time/effort/sleep/money etc.. at the end of the day i convinced myself it was worth it, as long as someone appreciates the effort.. I'd do it again if it means etching a pleasant memory of me onto someone..
but what if.... ..no one does?... what if i had a name, which everyone forgotten.. i hate to think this way i don't want to think this way.. but i did feel this way.. quite strongly last wed, when i had just came back from a draining exercise in the wild.. drenched in sweat and rain.. ears tortured by the endless commands and radio waves throughout those 3 days.. and another 2 days stuck in camp before i return to the comforts of home.. i had one hope, which was that someone would have left a msg.. a simple hi or take care would have been ok, no need for those lovely dovey I miss you-s or Lets party (though those would be nice too).. but there wasn't any of that.. if my bunkmate wasn't in the room at that time.. i very well could have just broken down at that very moment....
Friday itself, held no special meaning even if it was book out day.. not sure why, but i began to trek from camp all the way home instead of taking a bus.. took about 1hr+ for the whole journey.. halfway i even stopped to buy 2 Barcadi at 7-11, even though heaven knows how bad i am with alcohol.. then not knowing why as i neared my home.. i decided to msg fun to see if he was free to meet up.. hehe, he must have felt something was wrong.. as his reply sounded a little frantic.. in a sense i was happy for this thoughtfulness, yet displeased at how i must have appeared..
well.. after meeting fun, i did feel better.. even if it was only by a little.. not sure how long it was.. but we sat in the park, him with his new white acoustic guitar (yes.. he's master the art of serenading i swear) playing as quietly as he could so as to not disturb the neighbours.. and me, like a patient by his side ranting about my problems while downing a bottle of barcadi.. switched locations a couple of times cuz of fun's dislike of dogs.. fed a couple of mozzies in the process.. even made a few phone calls to extend the night's activities.. hehe.. but in the end, i started having a little headache probably cuz of the drink.. so we ended the night early..
well.. fun was probably right about one thing.. anyone would feel shitty while stuck in army, thinking about how lonely they are and how sad life is.. the only ones unaffected would be those with gfs alr.. and if you aren't, you're better off gaming and not thinking about it.. well.. can't say my com at home is gaming quality anymore.. but if spending some $$ at a LANshop would be the miracle therapy for me.. i'm willing to give it a shot for a couple of weeks..
still wish i was part of the other group though.. but.. lets not go into that topic.... =)