NS..
in the period of 3 months, i've started to learn a bit about myself..
one thing is, the acceptance that i do have a darker side to me =X its the same side that pushes me on to do certain things.. when ppl ask me how i survived the 24km despite the bad weather and horrible rashes i developed half-way.. i could only truthfully say.. seeing each person that fell out during the march, was my motivation to press harder.. knowing it was a tough challenge wasn't enough.. i needed to know that there were people that couldn't take the challenge, for me to rise to the occasion, and force myself on.. and make sure i wasn't associated with this group of people..
kinda a dark motivation isn't it? =S
makes me wonder if i can truly trust myself to turn out the way i want to be.. through my own effort..
which makes me worry about relationships.. i do know i seriously desire a relationship.. but at the same time.. i don't want it to be for my own selfish reasons.. i admit.. my last relationship failed partly as a result of this.. amongst other reasons.. can i truly convince myself that i'd hold true to my values?
i am weak.. my existance is a conflict of both selfless and selfish desires.. wouldn't it be so much easier if i was solely either one? and yet.. even thinking this thought alone reinforces what i just said.. i am weak, for i desire an easy alternative out of the circumstances i'm in..
teach me to be strong.. i don't wish to be aimlessly forgotten by the world as one who didn't make it.. history remembers not those who succumb.. but rather tales of those heroes who succeeded.. there must be a stage on this world, that i can truly belong to.. that i can shine my brightest and excel infinitely..
i wonder if my university application would bring me to that stage..
i wonder.. and wonder still...